Bone and Marrow


The Voyager 1 Love Probe Crosses Last Frontier

My Heavenly Father is continuing my journey into space. To quote Captain Kirk … it is definitely a new frontier :) .

I have been totally “undone” by the truth that He wants to create space in me for rest that includes His taking action to cause me to cease from any movement or labor in order to recover and collect strength; to refresh me; to allow me to take rest; and to create quiet within me as He fills me with calm and patient expectation.  (Matthew 11:28)

Just when I think “I’ve got it now” another facet unfolds that creates even more space for Holy Spirit to reside within me, just as Jesus promised (John 14:16)

In my last post, I asked “do you listen when your heart speaks”.  I hope you do.  But what happens when what you hear seems so bone deep that it feels there is absolutely no way you can be any different than the way you have always been, always thought, always felt.

 That was my question as I was walking recently.  My Heavenly Father answered so quickly, I could almost see Him grinning like He was just waiting for me to ask!!

See, the Word of God is alive!
It is at work and is sharper than any double-edged sword —
it cuts right through to where soul meets spirit
and joints meet marrow,
and it is quick to judge the inner reflections and attitudes of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12 – Complete Jewish Bible

I’d never really seen it in such a personal way before.  His word can divide soul (will, intellect, emotion) and spirit (the very breath/life within us created to connect with and be filled by God’s own spirit, the Holy Spirit).  My personal dilemma at the time was what I mentioned in a previous post about not being wanted during my Mom’s pregnancy.  My inner reflections (thoughts), the attitudes of my heart [my choices (will) and emotions] had been so permeated with that experience that I could not recall a time it was not a part of me, definitely bone deep.  Yet God’s Word is so precise it can divide what feels like my very bones, from the marrow (what truly gives life to the bones).

I’m sharing the revelation with you the way it came to me as I walked and captured my conversation with my Heavenly Father on a voice memo on my iPhone.

“You can divide what feels so bone deep to me
and bring the life that You have always purposed.
You can take away my soulish* efforts
(*what my intellect, will and heart can accomplish stand alone)
and fill my soul and my spirit with everything that You have and purposed for me.
Just like marrow is where life comes from,
You can take away the bone, the structure that I have put around this wound
to make my own coping mechanism.
You can replace that structure with life
that grows from the very marrow of who You are
and transplant it into me so the two become one.**
The life that is contained grows new bone, i.e.,
new structure for me to live, move and have my being.***
Life is free to flow all because of Your Word.
Your Word who is Jesus.
It’s just so amazing Father.  It’s so amazing.
I am thankful, so thankful, for how utterly wonderful You are
and how great is Your love.”

Can you relate?  You think you have dealt with an issue in that has deeply impacted your life, e.g., having to perform to be loved; rejection; abuse; addiction; chronic illness that has made you doubt your self-worth; chronic heartache that causes you to withhold your heart from receiving the love that is around you, to name only a few.  Only to have the issue show up again with a slight differently facet or at a deeper level as life unfolds.  Being transparent, I’ve lost count of how many facets I’ve uncovered of not being wanted while in the womb.  It made me wonder can this ever not be a part of me; not be my filter for how I respond to life?  My heart needed to be that real with God so He could be that real with me.  What does your heart need to tell God?

“Continually unfolding the past till all is told.” (Psalm 32:5) is what I hear as I type this. You know what that tells me?  Neither you nor I are failing because more facets surface.  Our Heavenly Father is just not going to stop unfolding the past and setting me and you free until we are exactly that – completely free.  He unfolds rather than doing all the “demolition” at once so that we don’t implode or explode.  How loving is that!!

So I invite you to join me into this journey into space with Jesus dividing bone and marrow; the structures that we build to try to figure out our problems; to protect ourselves; to come up with answers with which we can live.  Grant our Heavenly Father permission to use His Word, Jesus, to cut the ties from the make-do structures we have devised and replace them with the life that He has for us so that we can we thrive and have that as our core.  Allow Him to transplant the same eternal life that filled Christ to be the very marrow of how we exist and thrive as He separates where joint meets marrow, i.e., where we have connected to things other than Him for our safety and supply.

It is a really interesting journey, an on-going journey filled with hope.  I pray you will make the choice to explore the space Jesus has for you!

** –  Romans 11:23-24
*** – Acts 17:28

Do You Listen When Your Heart Speaks?

I heard an interesting statement by Danny Silk of Bethel in his podcast “Expectancy”.  that we need to break off the vow with ourselves that we won’t be OK because “fill in the blank” has happened. 

It raises a question from my last post. If we are tapped into this river of life and it flows up from our roots/core/heart, what happens when we don’t want to listen to our heart because we are afraid of what we might hear?  

Literally a "cross-roads" in front of my house.  To listen or not to listen?

Literally a “cross-roads” in front of my house. To listen or not to listen?

So frightened that if we listen, all we will hear is the pain of loss, grief, hopelessness, and come face to face with the child in us that is crying out for whatever it needs or has needed for longer than we can remember.  We don’t want to hear because we don’t know if we or anyone else can meet that need. 

That is exactly the place to which we need to give a voice.  I can promise you from my own experience doing that won’t destroy you.  How can that be true?  That place where whatever thing or person to which we connected in the past to try to get that need met has failed, God wants to fill with His love (Rom 8:38-39), light (John 1:4-5) and truth (John 8:32) in order to set us free from the ungodly belief the need is unquenchable and unfillable.  You will have to fill-in your own blank on what is your “go to” to meet your needs.  It may be a parent, a spouse, a job, food, control, being a perfectionist or even isolating yourself, to name a few possibilities. You can recognize it by the numerous times you have turned to it and it always ends with the dismal result that declares “no hope”. 

Where those things have failed to meet our valid needs for love; for identity; for safety, to know our value and worth; to be seen just as we are and completely accepted; for connection; for healing for a broken heart – God wants us to let whatever those sources are “off the hook” for being our supply. 

If that source is a person to forgive them for being broken themselves and just not having what we need.  If it is a thing like perfectionism, isolation, control or food to break off the agreement we have made with it that it can keep us safer than God can. If it is a lost loved one, to break off agreement with the lie that allowing God to our heal our heart means we didn’t love them.  Follow that by making the choice to forgive ourselves for choosing whatever else we chose over God and asking God to forgive us for making that choice.  Jesus knew we’d make such choices when he said “forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  Our Heavenly Father’s promise to us is if we confess our sins and ask His forgiveness, He is quick and faithful to forgive  (1 John 1:9). 

Now is when it really gets good, because we are then ready to turn and to give those oh so very valid needs to our Heavenly Father to be filled exceedingly, abundantly above what we can dare to ask or imagine according to His riches in glory. (Eph 3:19-20, Phil 4:19).

Definitely a reason to listen to our hearts with hope!

Unfolding the past – part 2

IMG_0766Photo by:

The unfolding continues and with it the creation of more space.   That space Jesus told me He wanted to create in me for rest.

There has been 2 parts of this unfolding.  Seeing what I had done.  Seeing what Jesus wants to do.

What I had done:  

For my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken me,
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water
Jeremiah 2:13

It so resonated within me as I read this verse that just like Israel, I had turned from the source of eternal, fresh supply of life/water God had created to flow from within them. The Greek word for living waters is more literally like life that flows from the womb in the menstrual cycle, i.e., something that is innately part of them that perpetuates life.  Instead they and I chose, whether intentional or unintentional and for whatever reason, to try to create something “other” to meet our needs.

There has been many facets and layers over many years to the unfolding of this ungodly belief of trying to do enough to be enough to be loved by myself and by God, but I think I finally get it.  I’ve been trying “to do” everything I was actually created “to be”, i.e. do love, do joy, do peace, do hope rather than being loving, being joyful, being at peace, being hopeful.  Big difference and that difference has been wearing me out.  That has been my cistern.

What Jesus wants to do:

Next the angel showed me
the river of the water of life,
sparkling like crystal,
flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb.
Revelation 22:1

A cistern is a tank.  It requires effort to fill it.   Even that does not work because over time the container cracks and cannot contain what is poured in.  Your cistern may look different than mine.  How can you recognize it?  Anything in your life where you rely on your own soul’s power to meet a need, rather than relying on God.  Those symptoms look like constant effort, constant frustration, constant drain of resources and energy to maintain a supply for a need.

It is a classic re-demonstration of doubting the heart of God towards us, just as Eve doubted.  We question if God will withhold that which we need which creates confusion to the point we believe (perhaps unintentionally) that we can/will take better care of ourselves than what the Creator of All will provide for us.  Why would we do that?  Because we want to trust in what we can see and contain [a cistern] rather than in a spring whose source is beyond our comprehension and who does not fit in our “box”; is not under our control.

It results in constant doing in some form or fashion to fill the cistern to get our needs met; rather than being filled continuously, innately, as designed.

Why would our Heavenly Father take the risk of creating something as volatile as free will that provides such a choice for us?  Because just as we want to be loved unconditionally, He wants to be loved unconditionally.  He wants to be our choice.  If there were no choice, it would not be love. It would be control and manipulation.

The river of life that springs forth out of God Himself on His Throne is what supplies life to us; creates life within us and overflows out of us to impact the world around us with the kingdom of heaven itself.  Life begetting life. 

Every person gets there own well.  Can you see it?  Just as rivers flow underground and people tap into them via wells, Jesus is the way (the well), the truth (the tap into the source) and the life (the river itself).  As Jesus told the Samaritan woman, an eternal spring constantly bubbling up within us.  It comes up from where we are rooted; through our foundation.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that it is not a top down filling, i.e., head/intellect first.  It starts with our roots/core/heart.   Then it flows through us to fill and saturate us completely to the point that we overflow.  The Greek for the word “flow” in Revelation 22:1 is actually “to gush”.  We can draw and draw and draw some more and this river will never run out.

The space within that Jesus wants to create within me, within you to be connected to that source has been intended for you and for me since before time began.  Now that is a reason to hope!

As I was driving to work, I "saw" when I had been experiencing.  God creating a space in a dark, crowded place for His light and truth to break through.

As I was driving to work, I “saw” what I had been experiencing. God creating a space in a dark, crowded place for His light and truth to break through.

Unfolding the past

Stunned.  Yup I think that’s  a pretty good word to sum up that past 48 hours.

Psalm 32:5 puts it this way:

I acknowledged my sin to You,
and my iniquity I did not hide.
I said, I will confess my transgressions to the Lord
[continually unfolding the past till all is told]—
then You [instantly] forgave me the guilt and iniquity of my sin.

Before I go any further I want to share my simple definitions of two “religious” words.

  • Sin – anything –  thought, word or action – that separates us from God
  • Iniquity – any belief about God that does not line up with Who He truly is

Back to the last 48 hours.  I was on my acupuncturist’s table due to another round of persistent Fibromyalgia migraines.  He tells me “Make a clenched fist.”  Ok. Done.  “Now hold it as tight as you can for at least 30 minutes.”  My response was not words but a look of “Are you nuts?”  He continued … “No, you really don’t have to do that, but can you see how sore and tired your hand and wrist would be if you did?  It would probably feel that way for a couple of days.  I am seeing this ‘clenched’ place at your core that has been that way for a very long time.”

Now to someone who has been on a journey of inner healing for the past 16 years, this is definitely NOT what you want to hear.  I experienced this over-whelming feeling of failure as I tried to take in “I’m my own problem …. again”.

Then something amazing began to happen.  In this completely exposed place — no masks, no pretense, just the raw me — Holy Spirit went to work in a heart beat.  I feel somewhat like an Apple product with constant upgrades to my operating system :) .  If I’m counting correctly I believe this is upgrade 3.0 on space creation.  All this revelation began pouring in.  I think the best way I can recount it to you is the way I entered it in my journal … bullet points.

  • This tightly clenched space at my core that my acupuncturist is seeing is also the place You want to create space for rest, isn’t it Jesus?  Space for me to relax and let go.  How can I receive what You have for me when clenched?  It is impossible, just like a clenched hand cannot receive.When I got home I went for a walk to ponder where this all started.
    On the road to unfold the past with the light of truth

    On the road to unfold the past with the light of truth

    Just like the setting sun was shining through the trees, revelation came that this clenched place in me has been that way since I was in the womb, bracing myself for what lay ahead because I was not wanted.   No wonder I am so tired.

    [Aside:  I was a "surprise" to my Mom and Dad late in life and my Mom was quite open with me telling me stories of how she didn't want me, but after I got here she fell in love with me.  I know she never had any idea how much it hurt me to be told over and over I was not wanted because from her perspective it all worked out OK.]

    • Enter the ungodly belief (sin) that I have to stay braced/clenched in order to keep myself safe and be prepared for what is next.  That was the “answer” I came up with to “be enough” to keep me safe.  That answer is not working out for me so well.
  • The unfolding continued as I saw that the pain I’ve been experiencing in my neck and shoulders is because I’ve literally been carrying “the weight of the world” on my shoulders for quite a while. At least that is how it has felt trying to come up with answers both for myself about my health and for others as they encounter huge needs and feeling totally not enough to do that.  My head knew I am not responsible, but my heart has been afraid I’m failing.  Gee does that sound like the enemy’s torment?  Telling me I don’t have what it takes; I’m not enough but somehow I still need to make it happen. Do you know what the kicker is? There is actually truth contained within that torment.  

    What’s the problem? The ungodly belief/sin twisted around the truth that I’m not enough was a “fault” or “short coming”.

    Enter the gift of serenity.  God will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him (Isaiah 26:3).  Hallelujah!

    Yes, it will never change that “I’m not enough” … the good news is, that is NOT a problem.  It is actually quite freeing.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! I saw a space appear between the weight of the world and my shoulders.  You, Jesus, slipped into that space to take that weight upon Your shoulders.

No coincidence that the scripture I read yesterday morning was Psalm 37:7  Focus on the Lord, be in awe of who He is, lean into the reality of who He is waiting with the expectation of His arrival to set things right by His presence, all that He is and what that provides – provision in ways that are beyond my imagination or comprehension.

Back to where we started – all this unfolding of my past with revelation of ungodly beliefs  that separated me from God and distorted my view of Him – as quickly as I became aware of them, acknowledged them and exchanged them for the truth Holy Spirit provided to replace those lies – I was instantly forgiven and set free.  My Heavenly Father has known all along what has been in my heart.  He wanted me to know so I could be set free from it and made able to receive all He has for me!  He wants the same for you!

Sound good?  It is, but there was more to unfold.  I am still in the midst of that process.  I’ll share it with you soon, just not tonight because it’s getting late.

My prayer for you is you will embrace the unfolding of your past with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to create the space for rest in your spirit, soul and body.

The Ultimate Letting Go

Question #1 for you.  Is there a dream you have that feels so visceral that you just “have to have it”, i.e., without it life is just not enough and you can’t love yourself?

Question #2 for you.  Who does that dream depend on for fulfillment – you or someone else?

I recently had revelation that my answers were #1 – yes, #2 someone else.

Do you see where that could be a problem?

I have prayed, hoped and cried for this dream for so long that I can’t remember life without it.  I finally have my answer and it in no way looks the way I have, until very recently, told my Heavenly Father that it needed to look in order for life to feel complete and for me to be able to love myself and not feel a failure.


In tech-talk it is an upgrade to my recent software installment of “letting go without giving up“.  Revelation came that I was unfairly putting an IOU on another person for me to feel complete and to be able to love me and to feel good about me.  Prior to the revelation I had seen this need as what I deserved or an even uglier term “my right” … just being transparent here.

My prayers had all been make this person act this way so life can be good and I can love me.  “This is what I deserve” should have been my red flag.  Did I really want “what I deserve”?  Jesus actually lived, died and rose again so that I don’t get what I deserve!  My mindset before this revelation was a trap and my Heavenly Father loved me to much to answer “on my terms”.

I was crying out in prayer, again, and heard what seems to be a very prevalent theme in my life right now “let go without giving up”.  My response:  say what??  Let go of my right; what I deserve?  Where is that in scripture Father?

My revelation was I saw Jesus in Gethsemane.  He let go without giving up.  He let go of what He deserved, to be seated at the right hand of the Father, and His dream for another way for mankind to be reconciled to the Father.  However, Jesus did not give up.  Rather, He trusted the Father’s way was better than the desire of His heart.  How hard was it for Jesus to let go of His dream and the desire of His heart - He literally sweat drops of blood. 

Jesus at Gethsemane from "The Passion of The Christ" 2004

Jesus at Gethsemane from “The Passion of The Christ” 2004

I was stunned.  I’d never seen it in these terms before.  Not that what I was facing in any way compares to what Jesus was facing, but because of Jesus example I chose to let go of my dream, what I thought I deserved, and the way it had to look, without giving up.  Trusting that my Heavenly Father’s way, however it looks, is better than the way I have (past tense) believed my dream has to look and be answered.

As revelation dawned I asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me for believing and partnering with the lie that another person’s response to me determines whether or not life is good and I can love myself and see myself as a success or failure.  I forgave myself for believing/partnering with that lie and not knowing any better.  I exercised the authority the Holy Spirit transmits to me (John 16:14)  to tell the shame and discouragement that has had access to my life through this lie that it must go and deal with Jesus.  I asked My Heavenly Father to rebuke whatsoever powers and principalities that have had access to me, and those I love through this lie (Jude 1:9).  I asked my Heavenly Father to put the complete work of the cross between all the consequences of this lie and me and those I love and to heal us all.  I thanked Jesus for going first and showing me the way.  How utterly amazing Jesus is!

Do you see the gift here in God’s answer?  I am utterly free to receive the best the Creator of All has for me!  

Free to be defined by who God says I am (Psalm 8:5, Ephesians 1:4) and how I respond to that truth.  That is eternal and does not change.  Whereas my version of depending on the responses of another person relies solely on their choices in the moment.  Hmmmm …. eternally secure or moment-to-moment changing definition.  I’ll take eternally secure please :) .  

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but desire fulfilled is a tree of life
Proverbs 13:12

I think of how long I’ve been praying this prayer and filled with this longing.  My hope had been “deferred” to the point of “giving up” because I was not willing to let go of how my dream had to look.  Now LIFE has come and with it JOY!  I’ve been asking for an answer and WOW has my Heavenly Father provided.

But wait there’s more!  (I know sounds like an infomercial right :) .)  Freedom to love myself and to be complete; freedom to love those around me with no outstanding IOU’s; and freedom to hope without constraints. Now that’s a gift!  Top that off with the gift of being able to be “enhanced” by the people around me rather than depending on and demanding from them to complete me.  BIG DIFFERENCE for me and for them.

My prayer for you is that whatever your “must have” dream may be , may you be willing to let go of how it must look and trust Your Heavenly Father has an answer that is beyond what eye has seen, ear has heard or has entered into anyone’s heart, but God has for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9).  An answer that is exceedingly, abundantly above all that you can even dare to dream to ask (Ephesians 3:20).

Letting Go from

Letting Go from:
Moving Forward Matters

What Color Are Your Glasses?


This gallery contains 4 photos.

If the “glasses” you are looking through to figure out the future are the experiences of your past, you may want to get a new “prescription”. I suggest that to you because of my own experience these past 3 weeks. … Continue reading