Color me surprised this week to find out my “fuel” was anger. Talk about a secret to keep from yourself!
I was supposed to feel good this week. The prior week I’d taken my first staycation. Never done that before. All my adult life I have “saved” my vacation days for unplanned trips back to Canada to see my family first because my Dad was ill for years and then because my Mom was elderly and in declining health. To think of just taking vacation time to literally do nothing, no plans, no trips, just rest and relax was a totally new concept to me. I seemed to be pretty good at it though; I might have set a record for number of naps per day 🙂
Monday back to work, I felt great. Lots of energy. I’m thinking okay .. this resting/taking care of me thing is working. Hence my disappointment on Tuesday when significant pain had returned in my back to the exact same place with which I’d been dealing before my staycation. What’s up with that??? I’d just spent an entire week giving my body everything it needed and all I get in return is one good day??? D-I-S-A-P-P-O-I-N-T-E-D!
I tried to ignore what was happening because honestly I just didn’t want to deal with it, but by Wednesday the pain was bad enough that I contacted my acupuncturist . His response was “I sense alot of frustration for about 5 weeks and resentment for the past week. We need to address both the emotional and the physical.”
For those of you not familiar with acupuncture, it deals with the whole person. You can’t just deal with the physical without dealing with the emotional. One fuels the other. You are always looking for the source of the imbalance in your system rather than just treating symptoms.
So I am sitting looking at this text from my acupuncturist about frustration and resentment and thinking huh? (deep, I know 😉 ) What could he be talking about? I just finished a week of vacation and relaxation … the only thing I’m frustrated about is not feeling well … BINGO!! The pain in my back had started about 5 weeks ago. My initial response had been … oh man, not something else to deal with (there might possibly be a hint of frustration in that, ya think?).
I’d waited a couple of weeks hoping the pain would just resolve itself, but that didn’t happen … yup … frustration level rising. At this point when I contacted my acupuncturist for his input his response was homeopathic treatment for a couple of weeks. That plus the week of rest had worked. Or at least, I thought it had.
I’d been off the homeopathic treatment about 4 days before the pain returned. My expectation was my acupuncturist would tell me I needed more of the homeopathic treatment. Wrong. He responded the infection was gone and it was frustration and resentment that needed to be addressed now. I gotta tell you, I liked it better when I could blame my pain on an infection rather than “me” being the problem.
Suddenly revelation came I was angry with God. I’d done my part, why couldn’t I just be well? But resentment … no I didn’t resent God, so what did I resent … ohhh … that would be me I resented for not responding to the investment I’d just made in myself.
In the midst of all that realization dawned that I believed I have to be angry with someone because I still had pain; I mean, there has to be someone to blame, doesn’t there? What I heard back really stunned me “your choice”.
My choice?? Uuggghhh. I guess the big question is: what do I gain by being angry? I heard the strangest thought. Does it make me more holy to be angry with myself = disappointed that I haven’t responded to God’s healing power or my efforts to give my body what it needs?
I pondered this and concluded I honestly cannot see where anger benefits me in any way. It just drains me of more energy. But if I am not angry, does that mean I am just accepting “this is as good as it gets”? Am I giving in to this is the way it will always be? If I am not angry, am I giving up?
I heard in my spirit “Love is much stronger than anger. What causes children to grow, thrive and prosper – anger or love?”
And the answer is? LOVE.
Obviously, I was believing some lies, so I asked my Heavenly Father where I’d gotten off track.
My Dad was an amazing person, world renowned for his accomplishments in medicine but he never thought he was good enough. When his health started to fail he was very angry with himself. He pushed himself even harder. Yup, I had learned that lesson well from him. I forgave my Dad for literally not knowing what he was doing to himself and for what that taught me.
I broke off agreement with the lie that I have to be angry at someone in order to not give up and be defeated. The truth is anger just drains me; even being angry at the enemy drains me. The enemy is not worth my energy. I forgave myself for spending so much energy on anger. I forgave myself for not having a clue what I was doing. I came into agreement with the truth Love is much stronger than anger. (1 Cor 13:13)
My only problem was I had no idea what it looks like to live that out.
The pain in my back eased (did not completely go away) with the revelations that occurred. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me learn how to walk out this truth. He did.
A couple days later, while on the acupuncturist’s table I told him I now realized that anger was not helping me in any way yet it somehow almost felt protective, and I really had no clue what it looked like to live without it. He responded “Oh, so anger has been your fuel and you’re afraid of what will happen without it.” Wow. The truth resonated like a tuning fork. Anger has been my fuel. Definitely time to switch fuels.
But what does it look like to switch fuels?
When I got home I started to journal. I think the best way for me to share that is just to paste below an excerpt from my journal:
I just burst into tears and my immediate thought was how disappointed You must be with me Abba. Immediately I saw myself back in my bed at Ryersie and I was engulfed in Your embrace. [I was 15 and diagnosed with postural tachycardia of unknown origin] . There was no hint of anger whatsoever only all consuming love. I heard You speak to me “you only did what you saw your Father do. When he saw a weakness in himself he got angry.”
So much just happened. I came out of agreement with the lie that if I just get angry enough I can push myself through anything and keep going. As I was weeping feeling so much loss over what anger has stolen from me, I suddenly saw a vision of You and me, Jeshua, holding hands, jumping on my bed and then dancing/playing ring-around-the- rosey on my bed just laughing and laughing and laughing. Revelation came that anger had kept me stuck in that bed, but Your love lifted me out of it to dance and play and laugh. What a gift!
More revelation came that when I start to feel angry with myself, to refocus my attention on Your love for me because Your love/You, Jeshua, are always with me.
Focusing on and taking hold of Your love for me connects me with Your love to be filled and lifted up by it. This is how I live the truth that Love is much stronger than anger.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!
What’s your fuel? Is it time for a change?